Refreshing

I just found this blog from October and never finished it...as I was reading it was only fitting I finish it today...I believe I couldn't share this when I wrote it mainly because I went through a trying time and couldn't share it with the world just yet. It would have spread negative energy through the screen to all who read it, but I come in peace today overwhelmed by God and eveything he has done. He is a refreshing in my life. I feel alive and well, fed and cared for. In everything I've gone through he was there encouraging me the entire way. I've been grasping for ways even now to be refreshed and I have to sit back and remember times where he knew exactly where I was and how desolate I felt and before I could faint...or give up he refreshed me. Like a friend of mind said yesterday she saw God breathe life into her spirit and that is how I feel. I read a scripture today that really touched me. Psalm 142:3--WHEN MY SPIRIT WAS OVERWHELMED WITHIN ME, THEN THOU KNEWEST MY PATH. IN THE WAY WHEREIN I WALKED HAVE THEY PRIVILY LAID A SNARE FOR ME. The first part struck me! In a time like now where I feel overwhelmed the God of heaven and earth KNOWS!!!! I'm not just stuggling through, not just barely making it but I'm overcoming because it is in the knowledge of ALMIGHTY GOD! He already has a plan of protection in mind! Don't lose heart...be of good courage, in the end you will reap if you faint not! Trust in the Lord and lean not to your own undestanding. He IS and will ALWAYS be our refreshing!!!!

Covered

As I was ironing my clothes this morning I instantly became overwhelmed. A close friend of mine sent me a text the other day who lives about 16 hours away from me now and has for the past 6 years. I knew something was wrong. She never got to it since she was not able to talk then, but I told her I'd be praying for her. She just got married and it was such a blessing that I could be there. Her husband seems to really be an awesome strong man of God who has fought for this woman he has. You see this friend had really been through the fire and had really wandered far from God at different points in her life but she has experienced God's mercy in so many ways. At her wedding I cried and cried and cried because she had come a long way. From one who may have had on spiritual garments that were spotted and torn she wore white this day and I recognized how merciful God really was. How He takes the messes we have made out of our lives and He makes us SO beautiful even in the ugly stages. As I ironed my clothes I uttered a simple prayer for her and what ever is going on. When I started thinking of the  things I know she had done on her journey I thanked Jesus for his mercy. The mercy on her life is the greatest I have experienced as one just standing on the side reaching for her the whole time. This friend has taught me the power of intercession when I didn't know it. Through her experience I experienced what it feels like when God reaches for us continually but we don't reach back. We are 24 and 23 now if I'm correct which makes 7 years since we met at 16 and 17. How many people wander off the path God has laid and make it back? He covers us even in the mess. His mercy is new every morning. it never runs out...I thank God for showing me the extent of his mercy.

Desire

The new year brings loads of new commitments and New Years Resolutions. I never call mine that...I don't think I call mine anything but if I had to pick something today I would say that I "purposed" in my heart a couple of things this year. A purpose is a reason why something exists or an intended or desired result. Kierra "Kiki" Sheard has a song that has resignated in my soul the past few weeks called "Desire" in the beginnning she asks the question. " Is God your desire?" As I've replayed that song multiple times, hummed it and sang it something clicked within me. We can desire something all day long, but what are we doing to fufill that desire? I desired consistency in my spiritual walk. In recent months I have not back slid or done anything wrong, but I did something we all do at times. I made it about the work that had to be done and not solely about God. I went on a couple of fasts, but I didn't spend enough time in prayer. The focus was all wrong. I denied myself certain foods but not certain pleasures like my music and hanging with friends and filling my time with other things. I realized that discipline spiritually is crucial. Especially when God has something for you to do. I want to challenge you to purpose something in your heart and come up with a plan. A desire is nothing without a way to bring it to pass.

God fills up where we lack

I was driving to work this morning thinking to myself that is was such a pretty day...especially after 2-3 days of rain and gloom. I was listening to Fred Hammond "Praise Him through the night" and something hit me hard. Going through my mind was something I want to do on my wedding day at my reception. I just made a transition to a new church and I was thinking of how many spiritual fathers I've had in my life. I've been fortunate to have 3 great ones and now a 4th. There are other men other than my pastors that have also contributed to my spirital growth. My dream is that when I get married all 4 can be there with me on that day because these men have been vital in my growth. Driving this morning I had a "wish my daddy had been what I needed moment" but God reminded me of what he filled my lack with. I love my natural father and have grown to, but there were things I felt cheated out of with him because he did not know how to be a father himself. My encouragement to any young lady struggling here is look to God. If my father had been what I needed my relationship with God would have suffered and I don't believe I would be where I am today spiritually. Ladies if you need a father figure look in the church because the truth is there is a love and some things only a father can give and we NEED that validation. We can not continue walking around claiming that we don't need a man and men are worthless and dogs because they are vital to our growth. Some men may not be the best, but let God handle them because they have more underlying issues than we realize. So on that note thank God soooo much that he knew what I needed to fill my lack. Thank God that he payed so much attention. Ladies, I'm just sayin' God fills us up where we lack.

The Press

I haven't written a blog in some time. I usually write them when the inspiration hits me...and it just did. I was reading a blog from everyone's apostolic and it talked about surrendering to God and being the clay in the potters hand. As I was reading it I was saying to myself, "hey that sounds like my life the past 6-12 months." The blog talked about how God never forces anything on us, but it talked about the power of submitting to the potter. I've prayed some crazy desperate things...all to which I won't reveal. Crazy to some if I told them but not to me.  In my asking I had to be prepared for the trial or the press. In my desperation I cried something we most commonly say without thinking..."Do what you have to do to me Jesus to get me to that place you want me to be!" Well when I said it to God I affirmed the statement with, "God I told you to do this and I am aware of what it means." I got bold with God because my heart's desire was and is to complete His ultimate purpose for my life. Due to what I asked I began to go through a growth process. Literally feeling the strain of being in the press or on the potters wheel. Feeling sometimes that I wasn't going to make it if it went on too much longer, thinking I didn't like being in such an uncomfortable place and sometimes almost wishing I had never prayed that prayer. But God is so good he allows us to look at where he has brought us from. A year ago, 6 months ago, even 3 months ago I wasn't ready yet. God was still trying to work some things out of me and work other things into me. He was preparing a place for me and preparing me to be in that place. I wasn't ready to leave my church or my kids. But as I look back today I know  this stage in my life requires complete submission and obedience to His will and the way He is leading me to fulfill a certain purpose. Don't get me wrong it still is not comfortable and it doesn't feel good, but I only have The fulfillment of God's purpose in my life to look forward to. Everyone does not always understand the road you take and part of it could be because they aren't on it with you. Even though many don't understand there should be a level that your mentors or leaders agree lining up with the word of God. When Jesus went to calvary he was BY HIMSELF the night before not wanting to go, but the fact is he had  a responsibilty to at world of people. To be transparent this road feels lonely at times because everyone has their own road to travel, but it has taught me to lean more on God. To talk to Him more, to seek him out even more and to pour my heart out to Him more. When you can get there and continue in the press and stay on the potters wheel you will not be able to verbalize the greatness of it and what God has done.

When I Look Back

We always hear song artists and folks during testimony service say “when I look back over my life” but what does that mean? When we look back, what do we see in relation to where God has brought us from and where he is bringing us to? For me it goes back as far as I can remember. As a child my mom was always in search of God, and in some way I helped her find him. It was not by my own ability but God used me as an instrument for her and I’m sure others along the way. Though my parents did not plan to have me, they did, and God had a purpose for my birth. I have spent my whole life trying to find it out. Recently I asked my mom if she wanted children and she told me no she had other plans for her life, and I didn’t resent her for this statement because she was and is the BEST mom God could have entrusted with my care. I remember my mom telling me that someone had given her a little red Bible years before I was born and she had misplaced it. At about 2 years old I had found that Bible and carried it everywhere. I  pointed to every church we saw and asked her what it was. Every time she would have to explain it to me. My mom always sent me to church whether she went herself or not. I remember one church picking up us “bus kids” up in a limo every Sunday and I still remember where the building is located in Springfield, MA. My mother searched for God in all kinds of places of worship, whether it was Catholic, Jehovah’s Witness, Baptist ect., but what ended her search was finding Jesus. The end of her search was the beginning of mine. At 8 years old we began to attend an Apostolic Pentecostal church. This church may have had a denominational name, but it referred to the apostle’s doctrine Jesus mandated the apostles to preach in the book of Acts and the promise of the Holy Ghost that God poured out on the day of Pentecost and the Spirit that is continuing to be poured out. So we must never get caught up in organizational or denominational name. We just have to have the truth. Jesus said I am the way, the truth and the life no man cometh unto the Father but by me (John 14:6)  Though I had visited other churches, the doctrine and lessons they taught had not really stuck. Even at 8 I remember I had a growing interest in God and a hunger that I could not identify. I would sit at the edge of my chair staring intently at the preacher because I just wanted to hear more, though I didn’t understand all of it. I had a pastor and his wife who taught and preached truth which encompasses anything Biblical and laid the foundation for my spiritual life. They were the Grattans. They were my spiritual parents for about 8 years and I still consider them as such. During the course of their ministry at Grace & Glory I was baptized in Jesus name at the age of 10 which completely cleansed me of my sinful nature. At the age of 12 I received the baptism of the Holy Ghost with evidence of speaking in other tongues at a Holy Ghost rally preached by Bro. Billy Cole. That was the BEST thing that had EVER happened to me. At 12 my life could have been worse but at the time I felt that was the beginning of sorrows for me. Looking back the difference between my friends and I was that I had Jesus living on the inside. In these years that I was suicidal, depressed, full of worry, I harbored hate and bitterness toward my father, my stepmother got really sick and I helped care for her, I was molested by a couple individuals outside of the family, I faced the death of one of my brothers and had family members who were drug and alcoholics. I was full of stress and worry at such a young age but something I cultivated was prayer. Even before I could really wrap my mind around all these issues I prayed for my family a lot. I look back now and realize that God was my help in everything. All these things I faced caused me to build walls and become anti social especially when I was around my family. I would stick my head in books all the time and ignore them because of everything going on inside of me. At the same time I was screaming inside and wished someone would notice and just scoop me up in their arms. I wrote poems about it, letters to God and a few close friends of mine knew all I went through. I didn’t want anyone to see. My teenage years maybe weren’t as bad as others, but I went through a lot. At 16 years old it was time for my first pastor Elder Grattan to move on to New York and pastor another church. I remember being angry and upset because I felt like God was taking away my spiritual parents from me. Elder Grattan was a father figure to me because I lacked that in my own life. I knew they loved me and our church. Minister Barnes, at the time, and his wife stepped in to the pastoral role and continued to follow in the footsteps of our father Elder Grattan. They built on the foundation the Grattans laid in my life. Like the Grattans, The Barnes were and are people of prayer and preach the truth and if they had never done anything else in my life for me but pray I would be fine with that. There are so many people that have been instrumental in my life like Sis. Tyron, Mother Mitchell, the Walters, Sis. Pearson, The Martins and The Miltons and others I may be leaving out. I had so many covering my life with prayer at all times thank God.  At 18 years old it was time for me to go to college and God let me to Tennessee. It would take more space for me to describe every detail, but just know that God has orchestrated every step of my life so when I came here God opened the door. Once in Nashville I began to attend The Turning Point under the ministry of The Burtons. This church was suggested by Evangelist Mike Easter and when I stepped in I knew I was in the right place. I never visited any other churches in the Nashville area to see if they were the right fit. The Turning Point was and will always be another family. Looking back I realize that stepping into this church was a step into the next phase of my life and ministry. The Burtons opened up a new world for me and entrusted me with ministry and helped develop me into the person I am to this very moment. They would be my 3rd set of spiritual parents I have had in my life. They built on my foundation even more as well as people like The Batsons, the Furlows, The Hicks and many others. My Turning Point Church Family has been just that. I could not describe how VITAL this ministry was in the most important years of my life. Again, it was take so much detail and space. In their church over a course of time I finally accepted and received the call to preach on my life and God is currently directing me on what to do. This calling has been such a vital place for me to get to because I was raised in a church where we did not believe in women preachers and were taught that women did not do that. Through the ministry of the Burtons and proper education through scripture I learned that I had misunderstood my whole life. I dealt with the feeling of being called since I was about 15, but could not identify it then. When I look back over the last 8 years God has spoken through others that do not know me, allowed others to see into my life, shown me visions, dreams and has spoken through His word. It has been a struggle the past 5 years to even voice this because I doubted what God called me to do. Partly because I did not know how it would be received and I wasn’t raised knowing women preachers were okay. I learned women preachers are acceptable to God as long as they were under the authority of their pastor and/or husband and are not trying to usurp authority over the head of the man. This taught me that I do not have to be susceptible to anyone’s opinion of what I should be or call myself, but my life should be acceptable to God. Elder Grattan preached a message about 4 years ago in Massachusetts and made a statement. He said, “God has put something on you. He has done something to you.” Ever since he said that I’ve listened to the message so many times knowing that God did not just touch me but he put a fire that is shut up in my bones like Jeremiah said. It has come the time for me to again go to the next phase and that means going to another church God is leading me to. My heart is sad because I feel like I’m losing so many things, but God is helping me see that I am gaining and like many before me I’m leaving a legacy. So when I look back over my life I see everything leading up to the point I am at this very moment. God has prepared me to preach His word in and out of the pulpit and to bring the whole gospel to the whole world. The church I am going to is very different than the one I attend now and a different organization, but when God looks at his 1 church, 1 body, and 1 bride he does not recognize the division of denominations and organizations we put on ourselves. It is confusion to the world to the point that they cannot decide what is true and what is not. As my journey with God continues I endeavor to cross cultural lines and I don’t just mean color. I mean church culture as well. I say from my soul that I truly love everyone that has played a part in helping me get to where I am and I know that theseare people that will continue to be irreplaceable as I go forward.

Just how He is

When God does something or speaks something and it woos us...instead of trying to figure it out just say, "That is my Father Jesus...and that is just how he is." We get so caught up in trying to be in the know all the time, but sometimes knowledge confuses us, we may not know what to do with it or we may not understand at the time. There is a protection in the unknown. As you have heard it probably said...what a person doesn't know doesn't hurt them. It is often used in a negative light, but turn that negative around. In the garden of Eden once Eve ate of the tree of knowledge of good and evil she opened herself up to a world of death, a world she didn't understand and most of all a world separate from God. I made a statement a few months back to a friend of mine. I said, "I wonder how God is going to do this thing I can't see how. I was at a point of throwing my hands up by being content with how things were. However I did know that was not what God intended. Today when I look back to that moment of questioning, wanting answers, wanting a sign and look at how things are now I can not offer an explanation all I can say is, "that is just how my Father Jesus is." Let's aim to be mature with our Father. Sometimes like young children we throw tantrums by kicking and screaming when God doesn't just give us answers. This is easier said than done, but let that be our goal. He wants the best for us and in the end He will give us what he knows we need and when we need it. Instead of being discouraged because you don't have an answer just tell someone you know, "that is just how He is!"