When I Look Back

We always hear song artists and folks during testimony service say “when I look back over my life” but what does that mean? When we look back, what do we see in relation to where God has brought us from and where he is bringing us to? For me it goes back as far as I can remember. As a child my mom was always in search of God, and in some way I helped her find him. It was not by my own ability but God used me as an instrument for her and I’m sure others along the way. Though my parents did not plan to have me, they did, and God had a purpose for my birth. I have spent my whole life trying to find it out. Recently I asked my mom if she wanted children and she told me no she had other plans for her life, and I didn’t resent her for this statement because she was and is the BEST mom God could have entrusted with my care. I remember my mom telling me that someone had given her a little red Bible years before I was born and she had misplaced it. At about 2 years old I had found that Bible and carried it everywhere. I  pointed to every church we saw and asked her what it was. Every time she would have to explain it to me. My mom always sent me to church whether she went herself or not. I remember one church picking up us “bus kids” up in a limo every Sunday and I still remember where the building is located in Springfield, MA. My mother searched for God in all kinds of places of worship, whether it was Catholic, Jehovah’s Witness, Baptist ect., but what ended her search was finding Jesus. The end of her search was the beginning of mine. At 8 years old we began to attend an Apostolic Pentecostal church. This church may have had a denominational name, but it referred to the apostle’s doctrine Jesus mandated the apostles to preach in the book of Acts and the promise of the Holy Ghost that God poured out on the day of Pentecost and the Spirit that is continuing to be poured out. So we must never get caught up in organizational or denominational name. We just have to have the truth. Jesus said I am the way, the truth and the life no man cometh unto the Father but by me (John 14:6)  Though I had visited other churches, the doctrine and lessons they taught had not really stuck. Even at 8 I remember I had a growing interest in God and a hunger that I could not identify. I would sit at the edge of my chair staring intently at the preacher because I just wanted to hear more, though I didn’t understand all of it. I had a pastor and his wife who taught and preached truth which encompasses anything Biblical and laid the foundation for my spiritual life. They were the Grattans. They were my spiritual parents for about 8 years and I still consider them as such. During the course of their ministry at Grace & Glory I was baptized in Jesus name at the age of 10 which completely cleansed me of my sinful nature. At the age of 12 I received the baptism of the Holy Ghost with evidence of speaking in other tongues at a Holy Ghost rally preached by Bro. Billy Cole. That was the BEST thing that had EVER happened to me. At 12 my life could have been worse but at the time I felt that was the beginning of sorrows for me. Looking back the difference between my friends and I was that I had Jesus living on the inside. In these years that I was suicidal, depressed, full of worry, I harbored hate and bitterness toward my father, my stepmother got really sick and I helped care for her, I was molested by a couple individuals outside of the family, I faced the death of one of my brothers and had family members who were drug and alcoholics. I was full of stress and worry at such a young age but something I cultivated was prayer. Even before I could really wrap my mind around all these issues I prayed for my family a lot. I look back now and realize that God was my help in everything. All these things I faced caused me to build walls and become anti social especially when I was around my family. I would stick my head in books all the time and ignore them because of everything going on inside of me. At the same time I was screaming inside and wished someone would notice and just scoop me up in their arms. I wrote poems about it, letters to God and a few close friends of mine knew all I went through. I didn’t want anyone to see. My teenage years maybe weren’t as bad as others, but I went through a lot. At 16 years old it was time for my first pastor Elder Grattan to move on to New York and pastor another church. I remember being angry and upset because I felt like God was taking away my spiritual parents from me. Elder Grattan was a father figure to me because I lacked that in my own life. I knew they loved me and our church. Minister Barnes, at the time, and his wife stepped in to the pastoral role and continued to follow in the footsteps of our father Elder Grattan. They built on the foundation the Grattans laid in my life. Like the Grattans, The Barnes were and are people of prayer and preach the truth and if they had never done anything else in my life for me but pray I would be fine with that. There are so many people that have been instrumental in my life like Sis. Tyron, Mother Mitchell, the Walters, Sis. Pearson, The Martins and The Miltons and others I may be leaving out. I had so many covering my life with prayer at all times thank God.  At 18 years old it was time for me to go to college and God let me to Tennessee. It would take more space for me to describe every detail, but just know that God has orchestrated every step of my life so when I came here God opened the door. Once in Nashville I began to attend The Turning Point under the ministry of The Burtons. This church was suggested by Evangelist Mike Easter and when I stepped in I knew I was in the right place. I never visited any other churches in the Nashville area to see if they were the right fit. The Turning Point was and will always be another family. Looking back I realize that stepping into this church was a step into the next phase of my life and ministry. The Burtons opened up a new world for me and entrusted me with ministry and helped develop me into the person I am to this very moment. They would be my 3rd set of spiritual parents I have had in my life. They built on my foundation even more as well as people like The Batsons, the Furlows, The Hicks and many others. My Turning Point Church Family has been just that. I could not describe how VITAL this ministry was in the most important years of my life. Again, it was take so much detail and space. In their church over a course of time I finally accepted and received the call to preach on my life and God is currently directing me on what to do. This calling has been such a vital place for me to get to because I was raised in a church where we did not believe in women preachers and were taught that women did not do that. Through the ministry of the Burtons and proper education through scripture I learned that I had misunderstood my whole life. I dealt with the feeling of being called since I was about 15, but could not identify it then. When I look back over the last 8 years God has spoken through others that do not know me, allowed others to see into my life, shown me visions, dreams and has spoken through His word. It has been a struggle the past 5 years to even voice this because I doubted what God called me to do. Partly because I did not know how it would be received and I wasn’t raised knowing women preachers were okay. I learned women preachers are acceptable to God as long as they were under the authority of their pastor and/or husband and are not trying to usurp authority over the head of the man. This taught me that I do not have to be susceptible to anyone’s opinion of what I should be or call myself, but my life should be acceptable to God. Elder Grattan preached a message about 4 years ago in Massachusetts and made a statement. He said, “God has put something on you. He has done something to you.” Ever since he said that I’ve listened to the message so many times knowing that God did not just touch me but he put a fire that is shut up in my bones like Jeremiah said. It has come the time for me to again go to the next phase and that means going to another church God is leading me to. My heart is sad because I feel like I’m losing so many things, but God is helping me see that I am gaining and like many before me I’m leaving a legacy. So when I look back over my life I see everything leading up to the point I am at this very moment. God has prepared me to preach His word in and out of the pulpit and to bring the whole gospel to the whole world. The church I am going to is very different than the one I attend now and a different organization, but when God looks at his 1 church, 1 body, and 1 bride he does not recognize the division of denominations and organizations we put on ourselves. It is confusion to the world to the point that they cannot decide what is true and what is not. As my journey with God continues I endeavor to cross cultural lines and I don’t just mean color. I mean church culture as well. I say from my soul that I truly love everyone that has played a part in helping me get to where I am and I know that theseare people that will continue to be irreplaceable as I go forward.

Just how He is

When God does something or speaks something and it woos us...instead of trying to figure it out just say, "That is my Father Jesus...and that is just how he is." We get so caught up in trying to be in the know all the time, but sometimes knowledge confuses us, we may not know what to do with it or we may not understand at the time. There is a protection in the unknown. As you have heard it probably said...what a person doesn't know doesn't hurt them. It is often used in a negative light, but turn that negative around. In the garden of Eden once Eve ate of the tree of knowledge of good and evil she opened herself up to a world of death, a world she didn't understand and most of all a world separate from God. I made a statement a few months back to a friend of mine. I said, "I wonder how God is going to do this thing I can't see how. I was at a point of throwing my hands up by being content with how things were. However I did know that was not what God intended. Today when I look back to that moment of questioning, wanting answers, wanting a sign and look at how things are now I can not offer an explanation all I can say is, "that is just how my Father Jesus is." Let's aim to be mature with our Father. Sometimes like young children we throw tantrums by kicking and screaming when God doesn't just give us answers. This is easier said than done, but let that be our goal. He wants the best for us and in the end He will give us what he knows we need and when we need it. Instead of being discouraged because you don't have an answer just tell someone you know, "that is just how He is!"

Unglued

I was in camp meeting service Friday night and it had been a crazy day! There were obstacles faced before we even were able to get on the interstate to head to Jackson, us adults on the van were irritated with bad atttudes, my phone kept ringing while at work because there was a concern here, an issue here and someone uspet there. While still at my office desk and on the phone with the van driver who wa also disgusted,it clicked. Intstead of continuing the negativity of the day I then said, "look the devil is a lier and I'm not dealing with him on this trip. I have to go we will pray when I get on the van." Once I got on the van we all prayed as a group. Not just that God was give us travelling mercies, but that he would take control of every situation, remove our bad attitudes and replace them with joy and to have His way in service. We get to camp meeting a little late and could not find seats. We looked and found some for some of the young people and finally a handfull of us went down the the first landing and decided that we were just going to worship and give God praise. Those around us kind of looked a few times but it encouraged them. Then our youth started coming down from their seats up top on by one and before you knew it there was about 7 of us dancing before the Lord, praising, dancing, leaping and speaking with other tounges. I felt that God was pleased with that because some of us did not have seats at first and the kids abandoned theirs to give God their all! During the preaching I could not sit down. I remember hearing stories in the apostolic movement when the holy ghost was so thick in the place that you would be up exalting the Lord every chance you got. You would not be able to sit down on the power of God flowing in the place. Something in my spirit got down right indignant with the devil and myself for every time that I did not take hold of n oppurtunity to worship God. Worship is our lifestlye which should be a love song to the Lord. We were created as instruments, created to worship God with EVERYTHING. I with some others stood about the entire service, we were even in the way of others and asked to move and brought chairs, even then I couldn't sit own. There was still a leap in my spirit,  a dance in my feet and a song on my lips...we need to STOP TALKING about how services used to be and become UNGLUED from our natural and spiritual seat. Some of us hold offices in our churches and organizations and feels that our office gives us the liberty to be dignified. Dignified people have a hard time with having liberty when the Spirit of God is present because they are too concerned about themselves. Too concernd if every hair is in place, if their suit is buttoned properly, if their hair pins are in order, if someone is watching them wth judgement and they are too concerned about what might happen to them if they become to an unglued state. So many things are glued onto us and when we receive those labels we feel the pressure to act in a way that best fits the office we hold. Even Jesus became unglued. While he did miracles he broke laws of propriety because the situation called for it. Someone was desperate, hungry or brokend and cried out to him so he had to respond. If we will receive anything of the Lord we must become unglued!

Beyond...

When do we really know our love for God has succeded all? Yes he told us to follow his commandments, to love our brothers and sisters and to put nothing before him. Beyond those umbrellas though, how do we know??? You know when you have reached a point where your desires burn like a candle...a candle which loses the frangrance every second it burns...like the candle you feel as if your desires have been burning so long it will fade out but you have to realize when you really know that you love God more than anything. It is when your desires can be thrown far from your finger tips entermingled with tears beyond your want and you threw them because though they matter nothing matters more than God in your life. You have the strength to push to the side things you have considered to mean everything to give God the service he is asking for...how does this feel when it seems like no one else is sacrificing their desires and taking part in what looks like their blessing? It feels absolutely horrible, depriving and empty, but even when you THINK for a second that you got the short stick God reminds you that he has saved you for himself...to bring him glory, to be the artwork to brighten a bland room....and that is the greener side of things. Until those thoughts arise again you can live with that statement and when it resurfaces you can count on God for another reminder. A reminder of why our love for him succeds all...of why we gave him the things we most desire...its for a great cause...a greater purpose...a greater harvest.